Friday, March 17, 2006

on a lighter note

"I want popcorn."
"You could eat a can of chick peas."
"Wow! I could also eat the carpet!"

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

This is my confession

My name is Russell and I went to the doctors to be tested for HIV

I am HIV negative, I was also tested for Hepatitis and my liver is just peachy!
I am actually really really healthy!

I have never felt so relieved in all my life. The last 24hrs of my life have been the most nerve racking experience!
something that I never ever want to feel again.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Over the Inflight P.A

1. On a Qantas Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. On landing the steward said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

3. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways to leave the aircraft."

4. "Thank you for flying Qantas. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

5. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Canberra, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

6. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as fuck everything has shifted."

7. "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight 44 to Sydney. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

8. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

9. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas."

10. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

11. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. From the pilot during his welcome message: "Qantas is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Qantas just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"

15. Overheard on a Qantas flight into Perth, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Perth. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his aircraft into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying Qantas." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."

20. A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain announced:, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 43, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Footnote:
Ok, some of them are old as the hills, at least three have been attributed to major US airlines and the rest were probably thought up by bored Qantas cabin crew on layover in Honolulu suffering the effects of too much hair product and duty free turps.

there is nothing more scary than fear its self!

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Natural Highs...

Think about them one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one...IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD!

1. Falling in love.

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4. No lines at the supermarket

5. A special glance.

6. Getting mail

7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

11. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla or strawberry!)

12. A bubble bath.

13. Giggling.

14. A good conversation.

15. The beach

16. Finding a 20 dollar note

17. Laughing at yourself.

19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

20. Running through sprinklers.

21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

23. Laughing at an inside joke.

24. Friends.

25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).

28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

29. Playing with a new puppy.

30. Having someone play with your hair.

31. Sweet dreams.

32. Hot chocolate.

33. Road trips with friends.

34. Swinging on swings.

35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

36. Making chocolate chip cookies.

37. Having your friends send you home-made cookies.

38. Holding hands with someone you care about.

39. Running into an old friend and realizing & That some things (good or bad) never change.

40. Watching the expression on someone's face, as they open a much desired present from you.

41. Watching the sunrise.

42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.

43. Knowing that somebody misses you.

44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.

45. Knowing you've done the right thing, No matter what other people think.

Happy Easter

I know its early but I could not resist!

California .... here we come



OK I just do not see it..... Aparently I look like Adam Brody who plays the character Seth on the O.C


Wairarawhat? Masterwhere?



Yesterday Al and I made the voyage over the Rimitakas to a "lovely" little town called Masterton.

Masterton is the largest town in the Wairarapa region.
Masterton is a thriving community with a 2001 population of 22,617.
Named after pioneer Joseph Masters, it was first settled by Europeans on 21 May 1854.

The truth about masterton is that it is just downright a country bumpkin down. I was scared that the locals would lynch me as my attire was too "WELLINGTON" for them to comprehend. Al and I proceeded our voyage to the House of Owen Winter, Who I honestly believe to be the only good thing that masterton has produced.

Owen, Al and myself then went to Strada, which is the cafe that everyone goes to. I was served my Sodomite who was about to charge me $12 for 3 coffees. I being a Wellingtonian I did not think twice about the price, Just before I handed over my card "sodomite" said "that's not right" to the 3 coffee's only turned out to be $9 which is a bloody bargain if you ask me.

Now I am not trying to be a snob here, because it is a 'country bumkin town' but the coffee was absolutely terrible. I believe I am Justified in saying this as I have been a Barista for 20 months and I know what a good coffee should taste like.
Owen Tried to make it up to us by taking us to Mint. When I saw what coffee they used I walked straight out. I wanted coffee that tasted like dirt I would dig up the ground in my back yard.
He then took us to Ceciel, He said it is where the upper class Mastertonians go when we arrived the place was very nice it included a live band. I decided that I would have a long black instead of a usual flat white.
after waiting nearly 20 minutes our coffees were brought to us. I was looking at the creama of my long black and I thought this is going to be a good coffee. To my surprise it was instant coffee! Drinkable but for $3.50 I at least expected it to resemble coffee derived from an espresso bean.


After the awful cafe experiences, we proceeded back to Owen place and met his parents. All I will say is interesting!


We then made our way to the Harliquen Theatre - "Home of Good Theatre" to see the performance of Castlepoint Dreaming.
Besides the Actor who played Jack is a blatant Homosexual who is so deep in the closet he is finding Christmas presents and the Fathers shirt having the TranzRail logo on it, when we was meant to be working for the freezing works, It was a really good performance. It captured the reality of a typical straight New Zealand teenager, dealing with certain events in his life like losing your best friend.
After CastlePoint Dreaming followed another Performance *insert title here when I remember it* it was absolutely funny but had a few glitches, as for props- they had a dusty serving tray, the Lighting engineers did not know their queue's and the telephone sound effect matched that of a phone made in the 70's and not one of the 90's that is cordless.

I'm not sure If it was just me, but I would have been a bit more vigialant with the minor details.

all in all it was a pretty good night. The only thing that scared me the most driving over the Rimitakas in gailforce winds and being at the mercy of Al's driving. (just kidding)

Monday, March 06, 2006

I believe I can fly!

Ok the coolest thing happened to me today...

I was walking along Dixon street and this huge gust of wind came up behind me and picked me up off my feet and carried me a couple of centimeters... Its was really freaky but also cool at the same time!

what was not cool was being attacked by rubbish that is blowing in the wind!